This deviant's full pageview
graph is unavailable.
Last Visit: 7 hours ago
This is the place where you can personalize your profile!
By moving, adding and personalizing widgets.
You can drag and drop to rearrange.
You can edit widgets to customize them.
The bottom has widgets you can add!
Some widgets you can only access when you get a premium membership.
Some widgets have options that are only available when you get a premium membership.
We've split the page into zones!
Certain widgets can only be added to certain zones.
"Why," you ask? Because we want profile pages to have freedom of customization, but also to have some consistency. This way, when anyone visits a deviant, they know they can always find the art in the top left, and personal info in the top right.
Don't forget, restraints can bring out the creativity in you!
Now go forth and astound us all with your devious profiles!
You don't have to COMMENT on my work; you don't have to FAVOURITE it; you don't even have to LOOK at my gallery; but every VIEWING means that people are INTERESTED, and every FAVOURITE proves that people LIKE it, and every COMMENT shows that you CARE... It's not an order. It's a request.
"There are millions and millions of quotes on the internet, most of which are famous for not actually being real." ~Abraham Lincoln
That was an example.
But one of the main themes of inspirational(or demotivational) quotes is happiness and the pursuit of happiness. And, looking at them, they all seem to follow the same lines - be yourself, find small joys, be happy. But looking into it more extensively, this is not the case. In fact, there seems to be two very different genres of finding-happiness quotes - because there are two ideologies. And they are this: One, you can let happiness find you and find your peace in the world as it is. Two, you can seek out every little morsel of happiness in joy and hatred and laughter and tears and the pure sanctity of living. And people find equal comfort in each.
Right now, those two things seem to be quite appropriate - or at least, they've been playing on my mind a lot, I guess because I dip in and out of both and sometimes I think I should pick one or the other. In particular, mediums in my life at the moment have been reflecting these opposing ideologies. I have just this morning finished reading Jonas Jonasson's The 100-year-old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared, and just this week finished the final performances of the musical Stop the Train! - both, in their ways, about life and progression and happiness; and both, in their ways, influential. First, The 100-year-old Man... Etc. - Allen Karlson, after exactly one hundred years on this planet, puts on his slippers and climbs out of the window of his old people's home because he doesn't want to attend his 100th birthday party. From there, he embarks on a ridiculous and inspirational little adventure, foraying back into his past and his incredible and world-changing experiences of the past century. Allen Karlson didn't want to change the world - he just wanted a nice bed, something to do with his days, and vodka on occasion. In prime example, he happily stayed in a Russian work camp for three years because he was given a nice bed and something to do with his days, and only decided to escape because he fancied some vodka. Allen Karlson believes that "What will be will be, and that's that". Shit happens and he carries on. And he enjoys his life by staying at yeigh level of happiness all the time. And a part of me wanted to take that as it is and live my life like Allen Karlson. Secondly, Stop the Train! - a group of railway passengers are forced into conversation, and made to confront their own lives and discover about themselves and their fellow commuters, to prove that human interaction and daily change is still possible. It's about making every moment count, never settling for what you already have but rather constantly striving for better or for what will make you happier - but also for taking appreciation of everything that comes along, even if sometimes shit comes along to and that gets you down and that's fine because if you can be brought down then you can climb back up.
I've tried the Allen Karlson way. I really have. During one bad point, I came into the inspiration of power animals because of a novel I was reading at the time; the main character, facing great trauma in his daily life, finds comfort in, among other things, the thought of his 'power animal' giving him strength. I figured I needed a power animal, and I found Bear. And for a time, I started to look more into it. I learned about spirits and grounding. I researched chakras and cleansing. I had a sceptic in my heart, but at least for a while I needed something to do, some way to... Cleanse everything. And even if my soul was not converted and my ego foregone in favour of spirit, I guess the general idea of it stuck and helped: move beyond the body, forget the worries, leave everything in that sack you pack up and then drop beside the candle animation you pulled up on YouTube because it's three in the morning and you couldn't be assed to get some matches, and absorb the whale music. Forsake your everyday experiences for a greater appreciation of that beyond yourself, it said, so I stopped looking at the cars and the fences and started looking at the trees. Put away your conventional music and take in the sounds of nature on occasion, it said, so I turned off the My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco and Bad Religion, and listened intently to some bluebirds shagging. But as you may have guessed just from that slightly sarcastic narration, this didn't seem to work particularly well. I tried. I really did. I abandoned the ego, I embraced the spirit, I massaged the chakras. Then I laid on the floor and blasted Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge until my ears hurt because that made me feel so much better.
I've tried the Allen Karlson way. I've tried being yeigh all the time. Remember Weltschmerz - the acceptance of life being as it is and will be, regardless of our hopes and aspirations? Yep, you guessed it; my obsession with Weltschmerz came at about the same time. Trouble is, I don't do Weltschmerz very well. I like being yeigh happy and sometimes yeigh sad and sometimes waheytoomuchcodeine. I like being.
Because maybe for some people, feeling very little at all is their definition of happiness. And I respect that. Maybe I even envy them a little. But the fact is, I've been yeigh enough that just being yeigh from now on isn't good enough. I deserve yeigh.
Allen Karlson was happy just with whatever he had; he didn't try to influence the world, and so it came to him and all was well in the end. He literally survived every scrape he got into because he sat back and waited for it to sort itself out, and then walked out of the rubble and went to find the nearest bar. And he experienced some amazing things because he let them happen. But what Jonas Jonasson has failed to point out is that awesome shit like that don't happen to no-one else - because if I sit here doing my stuff, I'm not going to be conveniently blow up my house and begin an adventure that will last 80 years, nine wars and sixteen world leaders. Possibly. Take Rhod, Stop the Train! character. He's "waiting for his balls to drop" because "on Saturday night it's gonna' be all right"; "the law of averages must be true, so by now it's my time - I think a win is due". He figured, hey, gotta' have good luck some time, right? No Rhod. No good luck some time. To quote Erik Molton, Stop the Train!: "GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND DO THE DO!" or to quote more fully: "you won't regret the things you did only the things you didn't 'i could have, i should have, i would have' - peh! never did a thing! the time is now! the now is nigh! the nigh is gone in the blink of an eye! make it count, make it count 'til your time runs out every second every hour every day make it count, make it count because there is no doubt you can't turn back what ticks away! the time is now to laugh and dance have more sex or move to france you may not get another chance so grab it while it's here" and i literally will do like the whole song if i don't stop now sorry
And here, I insert: character case study!
Let us take Jedekiah Khoury. Dearest Kiah. Kiah is a Short-Wing. He lives life short, fast and hard, with leather jackets and cocaine and knives. His wings are the equivalent to a motorbike with a big engine and no helmet. Jedekiah does not see that he has a purpose in life - which one could arguably say he doesn't. He has no job, no family, no legacy - and he anticipates that if he died, no-one would give a single flying fudge. He may be wrong about that, but the sentiment remains the same: even if those nearest him would mourn, how long would that last? Kiah knows that his life is meaningless. What has he achieved? Nothing. What will he achieve? Nothing. What's the point in even carrying on? He doesn't know. Sometimes, it feels as if he doesn't want to. Kiah has strong self-destructive tendencies - the entire Short society seems perpetually about to collapse in on itself. From the Disciplines and building-slips to week-long drug benders, he just keeps on trying to snuff himself out - but that can't be the only thing. Jedekiah himself claims that Prelims, Disciplines, jumps and... Well, being a Short, are all activities just to fill the time. But they are also attempts to get him to feel anything. Fear. Adrenalin. Pain. A small diversion into other characters? Ben: listed self-harmer. After a cast, Ben cuts himself to remind himself what pain feels like - the adrenalin and blood of the jump is fading, he just needs some kind of reminder that he still exists. Ezek? Feels the scar about his throat - because he remembers what that was like. Pain beyond what he's ever felt before, close to death. Asher revels in the blood and violence; that is Asher's life, Asher's love and joy and pain and feeling. Shorts are raw. Stark emotions, real things, gore, violence, joy hate fear. And Jedekiah? Jedekiah hates the silence. Jedekiah hates feeling nothing. And yet at the same time, does he not seem to seek oblivion at times? He sleeps through life, claims to desire to take himself away and into nothing, even goes to the Bridge and plunges "beyond everything" to escape that raw reality and be... Nothing. Fact is, I don't think Jedekiah's making himself into nothing. I think he's making himself into more. He's feeling joy in that moment when he almost seems to meditate on the Bridge - he just doesn't recognise it. And Atarah - oh, Atarah makes him feel. But more than that, Atarah knows Jedekiah and his hatred of the silence, of the nothing.
Fact is, Jedekiah Khoury is afraid of feeling nothing. He would rather die than be emotionless. The life of a Short is sharp and brutal - and eventually you run out of emotions, of things to feel. Ezek, Asher, Ben, Matt, even Micah... Dead behind the eyes. And Jedekiah is afraid of the silence.
So there you go: if people challenge me for what character is most like me or what parts of myself I put into a character, I give you the second-deepest character I've ever put thought into. well you know, i mean, have you met sylv?
Also, oh gees, the feels I was getting from this musical not about the characters in it but just imagining like my characters singing those songs. I mean like, Clay and North have been at the top of my agenda for quite a while and I'm still trying to work them out(no spoilers, but let's just say that their fate is up in the air for me at the moment) and then we have:
There's been a crash and I'm the wreck You bailed out to save your neck There's a hole and it's you that made it [...] I've moved up and I've moved on but the damage that you've done permanently breaks these ties [...] And the last thing that I thought was I'd be lost without you And the last thing I let slip was my disguise You've moved up and you've moved on but the damage that I've done you say permanently breaks these ties Look at the damage you've done (look at the damage i've done) Once we were two now I'm one (once we were two now i'm one) You went and left me all alone (i went and left you all alone) And now I stand here on my own (i'm sorry) You're gone (you're gone) Look at the damage we've done
And that's just like so many feels anyway honestly I love the whole song. One person messes with another one's heart and 'does the damage', and the song starts off all blame on the hurt person's behalf - and then the other person wakes up and starts to sound like they're apologising and realising their mistakes, but there's also a snide little "Look at you; you blame it all on me" comment in there like "You know it takes two people to fuck up a relationship BITCH" and it's like OOOHH but then, if you listen to it several times and really focus on the words, you can just hear one tiny little thing which is where she sings "You went and left me all alone, and now I stand here on my own" and he sings "I went and left you all alone, I'm sorry" and that one single line is just heart-breaking because it's like he finally realised all the shit he did and apologised in one tiny note partway through a harmony. And then when you have the later song Why? it's truly heart-breaking like one time I forgot to pull the curtain on the last note of the song because I was just stood there staring at the stage like "Nuh... Nnuh..." with tears streaming down my face.
Then there's this thing I've been planning with Atarah that I also wasn't sure on and then there's:
I had to know Had to be sure Were a boy playing with fire or a man who would endure?
i had to know
With less lyrics because they're slightly less relevant and it's kind of a boring song actually but still, made me think - unfortunately, can't include the really relevant part of the song because that would actually be a spoiler for the almost definite thing happening with Atarah. And then there's this:
Which was the one song from the musical released as a single which is completely irrelevant but I hate jazz and I love this song and that messes me up so bad but 'kay yeah.
And with the exclusion of that last one, the only way to discover these amazing and gorgeous and inspirational and just UGH songs is to contact Rick Guard directly for a CD or download link, or wait for the tour.
... Are there no songs for Daneel? No, there do not seem to be any songs for Daneel. I literally just searched the whole playlist of this musical and there is not a single relevant fricking line in the entire thing. DAMN, MICAH, WHY YOU NO INDUCE MUSICALLY INSPIRED ROMANTIC FEELS?
Okay, it's quite late and I am clearly now exhibiting the clear signs of my wild and live-life-while-you-can #GETOFFYOURARSEANDDOTHEDO attitude by being exhausted and incoherent and yelling at characters for not being romantic enough.
SUMMARY: Nothing's changing. I'm carrying on my life in the same insane, hectic way I always have. I'll just do it with more conviction now.
Stop the Train!: looking forward to this! Other traditional: happened Other digital: keep thinking, never do Each Separate Dying Ember: having a few teething issues, but xvi is underway Plushes: started the third
Do not thank me for the fave, watch or llama - instead, GIVE ME A LLAMA BACK! Thanks!
Favorite visual artistImpossible to choose!Favorite moviesThe X-men series, Dead Poet Society, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Breakfast ClubFavorite TV showsQI, House MD, Game of Thrones, Blackadder, Peaky Blinders, Dara O'Briain's School of Hard Sums, Black BooksFavorite bands / musical artistsMy Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Of Monsters and Men, Bad Religon, Fall Out BoyFavorite booksDiscworld, The Name of the Wind, A Game of ThronesFavorite writersTerry Pratchett, George RR Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, ShakespeareFavorite gamesAssassin's Creed series, Ratchet & Clank, GTAFavorite gaming platformImagination :DTools of the TradeSarcasmOther InterestsFalconry, the theatre, artwork and literature, languages, complex maths and the sciences