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About Varied / Student Member Not SteveFemale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
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You don't have to COMMENT on my work;
you don't have to
you don't even have to
LOOK at my gallery;
but every
VIEWING means that people are INTERESTED, and every FAVOURITE proves that people LIKE it, and every COMMENT shows that you CARE...
It's not an order. It's a request.

Respect my work. It's got every part of me in it.



Do not thank me for the fave, watch or llama - instead, GIVE ME A LLAMA BACK!
Thanks! :iconthank-you-plz:

Bedanke dich nicht für den :+fav:, den :+devwatch: oder das Lama - gib mir stattdessen ein Lama zurück!
Vielen Dank!

Ne me remerciez pas pour le :+fav:, :+devwatch: ou un lama - plutôt, donnez-moi un lama en retour!

No me des las gracias por el :+fav:, :+devwatch: o de llama - en su lugar, dame una llama de vuelta!

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Не благодарите меня за :+fav:, :+devwatch: или ламы - вместо этого, дать мне лама возвращается!

Journal History



In the past few weeks I have written two apologies. Both were to people I have wronged.
Both apologies I tried to give face-to-face, and couldn't. The mere thought filled me with a deep and singing dread. The words stuck in my throat, made sickness, shrivelled and vanished and stammered into something else, a meaningless conversation that invoked little more than a "why are you saying this and why to me".

I struggle to apologise. It's like giving apology would be an admission of guilt, and I can't admit that I was wrong because weakness would result in my murder or something. Then the rest of the time I know I'm wrong inside and hate and hate and blame, but can't get it out. Look like I don't care, like I think I couldn't be wrong, just to try and prove that I'm confident enough that nothing could knock me down. I was told to tackle this. To tell people how I feel, and write it down if I had to because they would understand when they read it that I had meant it all along and I just couldn't say it. And then it would be okay.
They never say that last bit, but I guess you always cling to it with a desperate hope: if I do as they tell me, it will be okay.

Well that went to shit.

The first one I gave to her in person. I wasn't quite sure when her birthday was, but I wrote the note and wrapped it up with the present. When I didn't get anything back I was kind of hoping she wouldn't have opened it until her birthday, which I found out this morning was late last week. So nothing back and I wasn't sure how to take that.
Probably should have waited to see how the first one was received before sending the second.

I was kind of counting on this one - both of them, really, but particularly this. I wasn't really sure if I'd messed up(i knew i had in the first; this was more of a speculative, covers-all-grounds, just-saying-how-i-feel kind of letter), but either way I haven't been happy with our relationship since it first stepped down from what it almost was and every time I try to approach a little I seem to forget every meaning of body language and can't tell whether she's pissed or wants to be friends too. So I wrote the letter and tried to give it to her in person but I didn't have an excuse this time like a birthday present so I had to slip it into her bag and even as I did I thought I'm doing this wrong. It probably wasn't too late because I then had an hour and a half to take it out, but I convinced myself every time I thought about changing my mind that I couldn't right now, I'd see if I could take out the letter in five minutes, I'd check again in a bit, I'd go up to her at the end of the session and say what I had to say in person rather than just leaving a weird little letter in her bag.
But I didn't, and she picked up her bag at the end of the session and left and I hovered for a moment and then left too.
I got a text about ten minutes later.

Yeah, I fucked up.

And now, reading her response, I'm just afraid that I did the same thing with the first apology. I made her feel uncomfortable. She's asked me never to speak to her outside of when work demands it again. And I won't text back, not even with a new apology, because now, at least, it's clear where we stand.
So although even when I started to write this Journal I was just miserable and pissed off with myself, now I'm kind of relieved too. I've read the message again a couple of times. I know what I did wrong(specifically, more than everything).
The worst part is the thought that I've made her uncomfortable, when the whole point of the letter was to say, essentially, we don't have to be uncomfortable around each other any more if you don't want to. We share our group and it means a lot - a life-line, sometimes - to both of us. What if she's so uncomfortable from now on that she leaves? Should I leave? But then, what if that makes her even more uncomfortable? I get the feeling she just doesn't want this brought up ever again, so she hasn't told anyone else?
If I've hurt her really badly, that would be the worst. That was the opposite of my intention.
The first time I read the text it seemed angry. That scared me. The second time it seemed kind of hopefully endearing. The other times it just seemed sad.

So most of me wishes - wished, at least - that I never gave it to her, never even wrote it.
But now I'm glad I did. Glad I fucked up one last time.
Now she can carry on being better off without me. I'll never get another misleading hug, never make hesitant eye contact across the room and wonder if it was significant that absolutely nothing happened in that second.

But I'm still scared that the first note gave the first person the same reaction, only they were so pissed off/freaked out/just sad that they didn't try to contact me. So maybe I should text them, try to explain, pre-empt it before it comes. Maybe they're still figuring it out, and will come to me when they're ready. My birthday's coming up, maybe they're planning something in advance.
Maybe I should just back off, stop screwing things up, and forget my feeble attempts at righting the wrongs I've already committed.
I still have Erik Mowles and Allan Karlsson warping around my head, telling me to get up and change things myself, and to sit back and let it happen.

In summary, I don't know what to do. Never apologise again? Every single time I've tried to fulfil what was essentially the one piece of advice I was given in counselling, it's gone wrong and made things worse. Carry on fucking up?
Well, that looks like what I'm going to do.
Because either way, we all make mistakes. Continually. Our life bumbles from mistake to mistake. We upset people, hurt people, ruin relationships, and, in short, live and then die. Hey, this'll just be one of those things that I look at when I'm thirty and say "Aww, when I was sixteen I was stupid" - I spend a lot of time around adults and they all talk about that. So I think like that a lot: at least when I'm thirty, I'll look back and upsetting these two people I have tried to apologise to will have had little to no impact on who and what I am now. We all need heartbreak or we'd never write love songs.
Unfortunately, no amount of philosophy and everything is temporary will stop what is going to happen happening. It will happen. And I will have to live with that.

And, even though I published this as a reminder to myself, I really don't think I'll ever learn.
  • Mood: Remorse
  • Reading: WARP: The Reluctant Assassin, by Eoin Colfer
  • Playing: Assassin's Creed III
  • Drinking: Pepsi


Just-Raowolf's Profile Picture
Not Steve
Artist | Student | Varied
United Kingdom

Current artwork mood:

Stop the Train!: :sigh:
don't knwo when i'm going to be able to work on this
Other traditional: :no:
what is time
Other digital: :sarcasm:
as if
Each Separate Dying Ember: :love:
found it, wrote it, finished xvii, preparing to continue at good pace
Plushes: :)
third going well but not much time

Do not thank me for the fave, watch or llama - instead, GIVE ME A LLAMA BACK!
Thanks! :iconthank-you-plz:

BT EN Language Level stamp4 by Faeth-designFrench 2 by Faeth-designRussian 3 by Faeth-design

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Erin-Cobra Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave ^u^
MomokaYue Featured By Owner Edited Sep 8, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Nice work :3 
Just-Raowolf Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank-you! :heart:
Eddyfying Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the fave!!:) (Smile)
xclt Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014
MissRao I love how you seem to enjoy some of my work's.  You have such an amazing healing power..._______________-duckie
Just-Raowolf Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014  Student General Artist
I always look at all of your works(except the ones you tell me not to!) and love all of them - but some are particularly special ^ .^ Keep posting them; I love to see what you see from your eyes, which is what your photographs show.
xclt Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014
Thank you myLady, it is such an honor to receive  such praise.
Yes I had hoped what I see and try to capture is enjoyed the
same way.   As in Halo the Sun would not let me get the shot( too bright)
So I used my gloved hand and all but covered the lens and
as I stood at this major intersection taking shoot after shoot,
cars would honk at me, sooooo funny.   One out of 42 shots
but yes I did it.   So it's nice you liked it(I hope).  It is the travel
and adventure that is the shot for me.  Walking I was a long way
from my home but the shot was well worth it. _____________________________________-duckie
EmperorMossy Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks heaps for faving my Robin Hood: Men in Tights cosplay pic! :D
EmperorMossy Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh! And thanks heaps for the watch!!! :D
Janeckb Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014
Thanks for the fav!
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